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Monthly Archives: November 2012

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Rice oh Rice (remember that song that went life, oh life?! Kind of make me sing rice oh rice like that)

I love me some rice, LIKE LOVE me some rice.However I have a problem with it comes to cooking rice.

I might well be cooking rice for, four people but in reality I make enough rice for 79 people. It just grows and grows, and no I am not someone who guestimates with rice, I follow the instructions, I read the labels, but nope a normal amount of rice I do not make.

This is not a one time experience, it is an EVERYTIME experience. Honestly rice hates me, I have tried talking to it softly as I cook it, urging those little grains to make just the right amount, I have tried singing little rice songs to it. But NO rice hates me.

So if you ever come over to my house for rice? expect at least 10 times more than you want on your plate, because it WILL HAPPEN.

Damn you little grains of deliciousness.

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When I googled Drunk the first picture that came up was Drake.

this leads me to 3 thoughts:

1. Drake is always drunk

2. Drake is the poster boy look of a drunk person

3. Listening to Drake makes you drunk.

Actually the possibilities are endless!

But alas this is not a post on Drake (the tears!)

Last night I thought a box of wine, my dads channel launch party, and me were a grand old idea!

Oh yea!

It was all:

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(NOT ME, NOT ANYONE I KNOW – NOR WOULD WANT TO KNOW)

I was happy, my friends boyfriend was rolling my cigs, giving me drinks, hell I was happy, happy bon bon!

This morning.

A. I realised at 28 you cannot make such a twat of yourself without coming across as a twat

B. I feel like SHIT

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Even my cat (who LOVES ME) is looking at me with disgust.

Drinking is bad, NOTHING  GOOD COMES FROM IT!

Alcohol fumes ahoy!

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Now since I am apparently certified crazy (I beg to differ, although there is a post online about me, I say post, I mean status update – saying ‘The Psycho is back) this refers to me.

Well I would like to make a few points about said post.

I just googled ‘symptoms of a psychopath’

Here is what I came up with:

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1. Considerable superficial charm and average or above average intelligence.

Lets go with yes on this one.

2. Absence of anxiety or other “neurotic” symptoms considerable poise, calmness, and verbal facility.

I get very anxious so it’s going to have to be a no

3.Untruthfulness and insincerity

Used to be very untruthful, so maybe .5 for this?

4. Antisocial behavior which is inadequately motivated and poorly planned, seeming to stem from an inexplicable impulsiveness.

I am pretty social so going with a no.

5. Poor judgment and failure to learn from experience

Oh yes +1

6. Pathological egocentricity. Total self-centeredness incapacity for real love and attachment.

Nah I full of love.

And this list goes on much like this: Superficial Charm (mine is all real baby!), Deep thoughts of self worth (Hell no there!) Pathological Lying (Well I did used to, so yes lets give them that) Lack of remorse or guilt (Nah I love my guilt) Lack of Empathy (I am all about the empathy!) Parasitic Lifestyle (No, but it does sound kind of cool, oh hey yea, I lead a parasitic lifestyle!) Criminal (Not the last time I checked)

So there we have it folks, going to call someone a psychopath? at least check the bloody checklist! Plus I don’t mean to be funny or anything but if I thought a REAL psychopath was in my life I wouldn’t exactly be trying to piss them off, I mean they do like to torture and cut people up (sorry genuine psychopaths, I am stereotyping you here)

Also they mentioned they wanted me to have Aids.

Well dear clearly not intellectually challenged person:

In order to have Aids, one must be HIV positive first.

Also in regards to you statement?

As Amy Wine (RIP) once eloquently put it:

‘I would rather have cat aids’

I bid you goodbye from my box of wine to yours,

Your resident psychopath,

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Personally I believe that if you put It on the Internet for me to find
it, then it’s not my problem when I do! I don’t like to call it stalking
as much as ‘investigating my future husband’ and who is going to marry
someone they don’t know – seriously? Also don’t underestimate my ability
to find shit out, because if it is out there, I WILL find it. Call me
James Bond because when it comes to finding stuff out on the Internet I
am at that level of spy (or crazy however you want to label it) I would
also like to make a note to facebook and other social medias, that no
matter how many changes you make to your profiles, I will still find
shit out!

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So sit down kids, here is our guide to stalking 101.

First things first.

Make sure your Internet love interest /object of your desire is REAL.
Trust me have you seen the film Catfish, least of all the programme ON
MTV. (I have done some catfishing in my time and it is pointless and fruitless exercise)If his profile picture looks like it has come out of a magazine, he
works as an ‘international model’ (get it together girl, GOOGLE IS YOUR
FRIEND) has about 100 different profiles (1D anyone? you are NOT talking to Harry, he is not secretly in love with you) then he is creepier than you Internet stalker hero, do step away.

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Now before you think you are aboard the crazy train 59% of people admit
to facebook stalking (woo!! we are in the majority, so basically if you
don’t stalk on facebook you’re crazy!) But there are rules  my dear
friends, rule which divide you between a one way ticket to crazy town,
OR ‘doing research’

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So you like him, you have his facebook profile. Now two things, if he is sensible
he will have high privacy settings. DO NOT let this stop you! He is sure
to have some idiotic friend who doesn’t and has loads of albums of him
albeit untagged for you to gawk at. Lucky? It  won’t be meaning you have
free reign (especially with timeline – thanks facebook!) to basically
devour his history.  For this you need to be friends, and when you are?
He posted a Churchhill quote in 2010? MEMORISE IT! He went to Vietnam
had the experience of a lifetime? So did you? – s0ul matez.  Now the
friending part? If you have mutual friends its pretty a’ok, but if not?
This is where you find his ugliest, desperate friend and add them –
because they are going to want a little slice like you on their page.
Now you could be a super sluth and wait until boy crush comments on
desperate wannabes status, you reply with something witty, build a
slight repor and then go in for the kill! (add) Or you could go straight
in for the kill. He messages you asking who you are? DO NOT WORRY just
reply saying, oh (mistaken identity) or I know so and so and you seemed
cool. JOB DONE.

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Now you have access to the history, the photos, the ex girlfriends! Pour
yourself a glass of wine and let the games begin! You can normally find
their twitter feed if they have one from their profile (this to me is a
good way of finding out how funny/flirty/crass they are! Also LINKED IN
is your friend. FIND THEM on it, also look for girls who post a lot of
their profile – do they work together? Is this going to be a problem?
Well you don’t want to invest a lot of time otherwise! Don’t however
like, retweet, comment or favourite everything they say – you want to
alluring not creepy. Check if they are on 4SQUARE you can find out where
they go, what they do – the good, the bad and the downright weird. It’s
NOT stalking it’s researching, and they put it online!!

Now guys if you are reading this: Why am I telling you how efficient women are at
Google searches? Because I want you to be cautious. Make yourself look
good! If you don’t want us to see it, then don’t post it!Don’t have a
friend post it. Don’t blog about how you feel like you aren’t allowed to
post it. Because we’ll find it like I said we James Bond. Believe me
when I say: YOU WILL NEVER KNOW. She’ll never tell you that she peeked.
That’s my final rules for girls, WHATEVER you do, if you get to dating
them? DO NOT mention things you know about them from your creeping
online, because THEY will think it is crazy.

I hope you live happily ever after!
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Told you I had too much time on my hands, I have my very own stalker plan!

fuck ups and glasses of wine,

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