Personally I believe that if you put It on the Internet for me to find
it, then it’s not my problem when I do! I don’t like to call it stalking
as much as ‘investigating my future husband’ and who is going to marry
someone they don’t know – seriously? Also don’t underestimate my ability
to find shit out, because if it is out there, I WILL find it. Call me
James Bond because when it comes to finding stuff out on the Internet I
am at that level of spy (or crazy however you want to label it) I would
also like to make a note to facebook and other social medias, that no
matter how many changes you make to your profiles, I will still find
So sit down kids, here is our guide to stalking 101.
First things first.
Make sure your Internet love interest /object of your desire is REAL.
Trust me have you seen the film Catfish, least of all the programme ON
MTV. (I have done some catfishing in my time and it is pointless and fruitless exercise)If his profile picture looks like it has come out of a magazine, he
works as an ‘international model’ (get it together girl, GOOGLE IS YOUR
FRIEND) has about 100 different profiles (1D anyone? you are NOT talking to Harry, he is not secretly in love with you) then he is creepier than you Internet stalker hero, do step away.
Now before you think you are aboard the crazy train 59% of people admit
to facebook stalking (woo!! we are in the majority, so basically if you
don’t stalk on facebook you’re crazy!) But there are rules my dear
friends, rule which divide you between a one way ticket to crazy town,
OR ‘doing research’
So you like him, you have his facebook profile. Now two things, if he is sensible
he will have high privacy settings. DO NOT let this stop you! He is sure
to have some idiotic friend who doesn’t and has loads of albums of him
albeit untagged for you to gawk at. Lucky? It won’t be meaning you have
free reign (especially with timeline – thanks facebook!) to basically
devour his history. For this you need to be friends, and when you are?
He posted a Churchhill quote in 2010? MEMORISE IT! He went to Vietnam
had the experience of a lifetime? So did you? – s0ul matez. Now the
friending part? If you have mutual friends its pretty a’ok, but if not?
This is where you find his ugliest, desperate friend and add them –
because they are going to want a little slice like you on their page.
Now you could be a super sluth and wait until boy crush comments on
desperate wannabes status, you reply with something witty, build a
slight repor and then go in for the kill! (add) Or you could go straight
in for the kill. He messages you asking who you are? DO NOT WORRY just
reply saying, oh (mistaken identity) or I know so and so and you seemed
cool. JOB DONE.
Now you have access to the history, the photos, the ex girlfriends! Pour
yourself a glass of wine and let the games begin! You can normally find
their twitter feed if they have one from their profile (this to me is a
good way of finding out how funny/flirty/crass they are! Also LINKED IN
is your friend. FIND THEM on it, also look for girls who post a lot of
their profile – do they work together? Is this going to be a problem?
Well you don’t want to invest a lot of time otherwise! Don’t however
like, retweet, comment or favourite everything they say – you want to
alluring not creepy. Check if they are on 4SQUARE you can find out where
they go, what they do – the good, the bad and the downright weird. It’s
NOT stalking it’s researching, and they put it online!!
Now guys if you are reading this: Why am I telling you how efficient women are at
Google searches? Because I want you to be cautious. Make yourself look
good! If you don’t want us to see it, then don’t post it!Don’t have a
friend post it. Don’t blog about how you feel like you aren’t allowed to
post it. Because we’ll find it like I said we James Bond. Believe me
when I say: YOU WILL NEVER KNOW. She’ll never tell you that she peeked.
That’s my final rules for girls, WHATEVER you do, if you get to dating
them? DO NOT mention things you know about them from your creeping
online, because THEY will think it is crazy.
Told you I had too much time on my hands, I have my very own stalker plan!
fuck ups and glasses of wine,