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Monthly Archives: December 2012

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Can you contain your excitement? There are just a few more hours to get through and then, whoopee, it’s the big one: New Year’s Eve. The blow-out to end all blow-outs. Fun with a capital F. The party of parties.

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Excuse me, if you will, but I’ll pass. I hate New Year’s Eve, you see. I don’t just dislike it; I hate it. If New Year’s Eve was a person, I’d hate it as much as I hate Kim Kardashian and an ex friend, my two hate-figures. In fact, I’d hate it even more than I hate them. (That’s, seven ‘hates’ in this paragraph so far. I hope you are getting an inkling as to just how much I hate it – and that’s now eight.)

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Who actually enjoys it?. Maybe it’s not the thousands who turn up at Trafalgar Square to attempt to recreate the Hillsborough Stadium crush, only this time with added booze. Maybe it isn’t even people who go out on 31 December to parties full of people they barely know, get plastered, grab the nearest person for a snog, throw up, dance, throw up again, and then discover that they’re miles from home and there’s no transport.

Honestly, it’s a waste of time. So excuse me whilst I eat chinese, get drunk alone, pass out by 10pm, and wake up on the 1st with more money than the idiots who spent it out.

Good Riddance 2012 – you were shit.

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If you’re anything like me then chances are you’ll spend Christmas Eve hopelessly drunk, arms flung around the shoulders of your friends while you slur your way through The Pogues’ “Fairytale of New York”. Now this is the one day of the year where you can reasonably act like an alcoholic. Forget downing that glass of water, get back on the horse dear friends! You will already be pretty tanked from the night before so just get drinking! You will feel so much better, and Christmas might be bearable.

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Now when it comes to receiving presents you need to practice the Oh my god I really wanted this present. One year I was given a subscription to weight watchers and the points book. Was I offended? Yes, did I need to go? Probably. I was pretty wasted so just swung my arms around the relative I couldn’t remember the name of and thanked them. (I went a little OTT, which can be a giveaway,) so try to keep it easy, breezy.

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Remember that all your relatives children are doing amazing, life changing things. Like curing cancer, ridding aids, having beautiful babies. This is not the time to argue about the fact you know your cancer curing cousin is really a whore you is knocked up by her ex boyfriend but current boyfriend thinks it is his. No, no, no. No. You might be a little tanked up on the champers but now is not the time (no matter how much you want an eastenders christmas) Just remember the golden rule, , generally speaking, families are mental.  If you have a single member of your family that’s not bat shit crazy then you’re one of the lucky few. 

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On the topic of relatives, be thankful you don’t have to cook, if you do? Well you’re fucked. But whoever cooked, when your aunt refers to a trifle she made as her “World Famous ___” just eat it and say it’s good, don’t say, “Ugh. It’s fucking trifle. You’re not Jesus.” Just eat, and drink (make sure you have a hidden stash of alcohol somewhere – seriously. )

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Lastly the only good thing about being in the UK at christmas is that someone is always ill. It could be you! Start feeling unwell on the 23rd – just a little bit, sniff here and there. Christmas eve, now your family might say ‘oh well if you’re not well don’t go out’ Go on about how you cannot let your friends down, it wouldn’t be fair, blah blah. Then the next day, BE SO ILL, have to stay in bed, watch border force (ok maybe it is just me) have hidden stash of alcohol ready, and voila! No having to spend christmas with the family. Although coming down, sniffling, really ill in your dressing gown is a good move for validity. It also means you don’t have to kiss all those dodgy relatives.

Final thought: Get drunk…no matter how bad your day turns out there is the hope that if you drink enough you won’t even remember it.

Happy Drinking Christmas!

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As I sit here with my not so classy drink, I was trying to think of reasons I should be drunk, I don’t need to justify my actions but hey if it helps! So here are my  reasons you should get your drink one right now.

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Well unless you live under a rock you will be aware evidently the world ends tomorrow, the fact Australia and NZ are fine shouldn’t stop you! I know that if the world does explode I would rather be drunk to deal with it, everything is better to deal with when drunk. No really.

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Because it is nearly motherfucking christmas. I still don’t give a flying fuck about it. I also do not care for the stupid christmas photos of couples. WHO WANTS TO SEE THAT? no really? who? So pour yourself another bitches.

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Never seen the film, but if Thor says it. We should.

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Its christmas, no seriously for the next two weeks you can use this as an excuse to be drunk at 10am everyday.

Get your drink on!

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So apparently the world is going to end the day after tomorrow (disaster movie inserted! Woo hoo) For those saying it isn’t I say Didn’t they see 2012? Did people doubt director Roland Emmerich’s ability to predict a disaster? Plus they ain’t gonna be letting me on that Ark, plus people would piss me off in about an afternoon.

Anyway here are are a few things I am going to do in the run up until whatever is going to end the world!

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Get my hair done.

There is no point going to the next world the day after tomorrow with a bad hair colour and cut – so like me get to it ladies and gents!

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Feed the cat and dogs feed a shit load of valium. (not gonna kill ’em)

While I’m tearing down the street screaming as the world implodes under my feet, drunk off my tits the last thing I want to worry about is where Jones, Moo and Lucy are They are jumpy enough at Guy Fawkes, let alone the apocalypse.

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Buy a lot of alcohol.

It would be just my luck that the only part of the world to survive the end would be my street, and I would be left without a refreshing cold beverage as I attempted to re- invent the Earth. BE PREPARED.

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Give my neighbours a hug on Thursday night and tell them that I appreciate what they have done for me.

Especially Bob from next door who, despite being on the wrong side of 80, still butchers trees with his chainsaw for me and gives me lots of advice on how the world was better before the ‘immigrants’ came.

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Wear those sexy lace knickers I brought for Ryan Gosling and I.

If I’m going to be pulverised into zillions of pieces, I really should be wearing decent underwear, especially if I bump into Gosling.

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Listen to the Apocoplaylist:

  • It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine) by REM
  • Till the World Ends by Britney Spears
  • It’s Not the End of the World, But I Can See It From Here by the Lostprophets
  • Apocalypse by Holyhell
  • The End of the World by Skeeter Davis
  • It’s All Over Now by the Rolling Stones
  • The End is the Beginning is the End by Smashing Pumpkins
  • Fire Water Burn by the Bloodhound Gang
  • Eve of Destruction by Barry McGuire
  • Survivor by Destiny’s Child

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Watch every episode ever made of Murder, She Wrote and try to understand why Death Stalks Jessica Fletcher.

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Find out how it ends

I’m not sure I would be comfortable dying not knowing how Lost ended, or what happened in the ninth season of Grey’s Anatomy. We can’t do much about ongoing stuff… maybe if we wrote a pleading letter to George R.R. Martin (author of A Song of Ice and Fire series of books, recently adapted in to the legendary Game of Thrones TV series on HBO) he’d let us know how it ends…? Gossip girl OBVIOUSLY was the major one I needed to know though. Oh Dan.

 

See you on the flip side motherfuckers!

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So not so many moons ago I moved back home with my parents as was starting my own business, and it made financial sense (not sane sense I might add) to move home. I was looking online for inspiration and my friends little sister (this should have been the warning sign) said ‘oh have you tried tumblr, it’s awesome and people post all sorts’. Tumblr? What was this area of the internet I have not accessed? (and trust me I had accessed a lot of the internet, some of it I wish I could forget)

So there I was, going on tumblr.com for the first time and it was AMAZING, like AMAZING. So easy to use, told me who to follow, then I followed stuff that they re-blogged and it was inspiring and fun! I was getting so inspired I started saving photos (photos I am now a little embarrassed of), I had hundreds of them:

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I felt that these were MY people (granted I was going through a break up, career change, was back at home) but they got me! I would sit there nodding going ‘YES!’ at posts before right click saving them. I would spend HOURS on tumblr, it almost became an obsession. There were even these posts that said things like ‘people in real life don’t get us’ and I would laugh and agree, how I would laugh.

Then there were the Meme’s everything from Socially Awkward Penguin to Courage Wolf (and this is the very tip of the crazy meme iceberg) I would try and show my real life friends these hilarious pictures I had found on the internet (tell them about my amazing secret world? I think not!)

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But did they get them? Did they hell. They just kind of looked at me with disdain and said ‘I don’t get it’ How can you not get it I told them (whilst literally trying not to laugh as I showed them) but alas they did not. Did this stop me? HELL NO it made me go on tumblr and explain to ‘my people’ of tumblr that my in real life friends didn’t get the memes. (Please take not I was 26, and this was a saturday night) and they totally got my pain! It wasn’t me! It was the anti tumblr crowd! I went to bed (finally after endless scrolling, laughing to myself, giving nods of understanding and general tumblrness) satisfied that it wasn’t me! I mean who needed real life friends? I had tumblr! And 3000 people wanted to follow me, I had the power!

One day my parents were really driving me up the wall, I cannot even remember what it was about, but I decided to write a quick tumblr post about it, and it got several likes, reposts and a few messages. One message that stood out was from a girl who seemed to be going through the same thing as me, we chatted over the message system, and eventually she asked if I had a facebook (this wasn’t some kind of chatting up thing, they were MY PEOPLE!) I explained that I didn’t use facebook (more on that later) but did say she could email me. (I wasn’t into twitter or anything at this point)

So when I hadn’t heard back from her for a few days I didn’t really think anything of it. Then I got an email from tumblr saying my profile had been flagged for being inappropriate? For what? Liking the courage wolf too much? Drunken puppy? Then I got an email from my ‘friend’ lets call her Sarah. But it wasn’t Sarah it was her mother, telling me Sarah was 11, and that she found it ‘strange’ that a 26 year old had befriended her (she had apparently been given information from tumblr – the traitors!) and thought it was strange, and that she and her family were not sure who I said I was and were worried I was grooming her. I sat there in horror and was upset (not sure if I was more upset about the fact I had basically been called a paedophile or my perfect tumblr world was ruined, over.

Suddenly I saw tumblr in a new light, when I scrolled down most of the posts about tumblr being amazing and better than in real life, were about being away from school. I hadn’t been in a classroom for 10 years. What was wrong with me? Was I having a nervous breakdown? I promptly deleted my tumblr account, rang my friends and got drunk with them in the real world.

I do still use tumblr for work purposes (and that only) but have to say every-time I see that socially awkward penguin I shudder slightly.

 Sobriety Kills

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Todays post is brought to you by the world C – Couples and why today I think a lot of couples are C**ts. (Yes you)

5 Reasons.

1. Walking down the pavement, holding hands.

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I was walking down the road the other day, and there was a couple walking toward me, the pavement was only big enough for two people to walk along in tandem. I was NOT going to be moving, but were they? NO! I had the sense this was going to be a stand off, and I was damned if I was going to move, I was going to hold my single resolve. I kid you not, for the two seconds they had to break hands they gave me the dirtiest look. Oh I am SO FUCKING SORRY you had to separate from your beloved for a mili second so I can stay on the pavement and not walk in the road where a fucking lorry will run me over and I will DIE.

2. Writing tweets/status updates etc about your undying love.

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Do you have a phone each? do you see each other? Yes? Then why in gods name do I have see see ‘Oh hunny bunny i miss you so much’ ‘Oh me too, see you in an hour, love youuuu’ SICK. I just don’t understand why you have to declare your love, or tweet I love yous at each other. Fucking text it, or tell them. I don’t care, nor do I want to see it.   Yes if there was a shut the fuck up button on facebook I would use it.

3. Posting pictures like this.

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To be honest I am judging you for even THINKING about taking a photo like this, least of all actually doing it. Then I cannot believe you post it on the internet for all to see! Are you not embarrassed? like really? plus who do you actually think wants to see this other than you? NO ONE.

4. Couples at the cinema

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I will happily go to the cinema on my own, no issue. But when it is busy, or even when it isn’t and I have to sit near, or in the same vicinity of a ‘happy couple’ I honestly want to throw things (and not popcorn) Why do you have to kiss all the way through? why does the girl act like she is terrified? I SMELL BULLSHIT, why do you feed each other popcorn? SO MANY QUESTIONS!

5. Last but not least, the ‘we’

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Why do some people when they become a couple suddenly go from an I to a we? Oh sorry we cannot make it, we love Bob Dylan, We wish you a merry christmas, we love that film. NO YOU ARE NOT CONJOINED TWINS, YOU DO NOT SHARE A BRAIN, for fucks sake. I have a dog and cat, shall I start talking as we because of them? No because I am person, a person who has their OWN mind.

Eternally Single,

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