Hi you crazy kids, apologies for not posting but I have been in bed with my boyfriend Gin.
We broke up on Monday, but I was suffering.
It was intense, short lived, fun and now I am heartbroken.
Goodbye Bombay Gin
This is the story of the day I decided ‘Oh what a great idea it would be to go to work drunk!’ I was drunk at the time the decision was made, but hey! Anyway this is what happened… I would like to point out I was only 24 at the time, and I don’t advise doing it unless you’re an alcoholic and already do it, or are a better drunk than me.
It was a time in my life where I worked in a book shop, it wasn’t one of those cool and trendy vintage hispter book shops, it was HELL ON EARTH. No honestly I had the boss from hell, the hours were shit, and they recommended books like ‘Twilight’. Now it was a saturday, and the night before I had been partying like a rock star. (Actually I think I got drunk in the local pub with a load of old men and my best friend because we thought it was funny) looking back it wasn’t funny it was just creepy.
I woke up, and felt great! I was still smashed, now instead of doing the right thing I decided to drink the bottle of wine that was on the side of my room. I would LOVE to tell you why I did this, but I honestly cannot. But I was having a hell of a time, dancing about, putting my make up on like a grade A drag queen, and quite frankly dressing rather inappropriately.
So off I skipped to work, and I skipped! Swigging the rest of the wine I had in a water bottle. Skipping and smiling and generally not walking or talking coherently. I have no recollection of getting to work, but I do have vague memories of TRYING to act a little sober. You know when you try, and it just makes things worse? this was me! Now I worked in the children section and do remember two things about that fateful day.
1. Finding this book:
SPOT THE MOTHERFUCKING DOG. In my drunkeness I actually said that. I was also shoving it in peoples faces, like CHECK THIS OUT ‘YO IT’S SPOT THE MOTHERFUCKING DOG.
THE MOTHERFUCKING VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR. Now I really threw myself into telling EVERYONE about this book. Now book shops tend to be a kind of quiet place, not that day. I was going WILD about this book. I seem to recall finding the fact he ate salami HILARIOUS. Not just a giggle, down right ROLL ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING (I actually did)
and then this happened, event 2:
I went to the toilet, and I passed out. I actually passed out in the toilet cubicle. About an hour later (yes a whole hour!) someone had come to find me. They found me alright, my drag queen make up was now more creepy clown, I was not feeling so hot, and I could smell the alcohol on me, seeping out.
Then my hell on earth boss asked me to come into her office, I knew what was coming promptly told her to fuck off, and skipped on out of there (actually I didn’t skip on out of there, I ran with shame!) However to celebrate being jobless I spent the afternoon in the pub getting drunk.
High Motherfucking Five
Back in the good old days, the war between N*Sync and BSB was more dangerous then the Bloods Vs Crips or something like that. Imagine if we had, had twitter? I dare to dream!
Oh they might have the dolls, the cardboard cut outs, and whatever else. But do you have lip balm pops like this? I think not!
I mean come on, you are not legit if you are not wearing shirts like this, NOT legit (I am looking at you One Direction)
Can any other boyband in the history of boybands do this every year? and still find it funny? NO. The answer you are looking for is NO.
Boybands used to dance, they loved those moves in sync (oh the pun!) so where are the moves now? I want some synchronized moves dammit!
So yea, I only have one question:
Off to get drunk and dance to N*SYNC, please join me won’t you?
I don’t know who the fuck you are, but you look around 37 and 6 months. TAKE THOSE FUCKING EARS OFF. I really hope you were high on smack and coke and drunk beyond belief when you agreed to this photo, you weird creature.
No really, STOP IT, STAHHPPP IT.
P.S I am still drunk from the night before.
PPS Anyway know who that is? is that you?
PPPS Because if it is, please just STAHHPPPPP (no really, also that pose is not attractive)
I always go on and on about how I have insomnia, I don’t have insomnia, I just don’t seem to sleep at night. So I decided to compile a list of things I do when I cannot sleep.
You can of course do these things in the day, or when you can sleep. However they are much more fun when you cannot, don’t ask me why! they just are.
One of my favourite things to do is watch when Justin Bieber retweets or tweets his fans. It is HILARIOUS they actually go mental, like properly MENTAL. Like put me in a straight jacket and call me Shirley mental. I have been known to spend too much time looking at their comments once he retweets them. I am 28.
I am a creep, a full on facebook/twitter/whateverelse CREEP. I love stalking my ex boyfriends, ex friends, laughing at their shitty lives, watching them get fat. Honestly if people say they don’t do this? THEY LIE. Oh when people are stupid enough to not put their facebook on private, PEOPLE COME ON! (better for me, but really) I just love it. There is something about stalking at night though, like they cannot see me! bahahaha
I remember when I was in love with a guy called Ritche from a band called 5ive. He started going out with Billie Piper and I wanted to die. So when you need some insomnia lols just check #haylor on twitter or tumblr. Haylor is Harry Styles and Taylor Swift – so many lols, so many oh dear god, but most of all so many lols. I am 28, I find this shit entertaining. Sue me.
Failsafe option for anything, cannot sleep? get drunk. Why not.
Lists are awesome. But no ‘oh rainbows and fucking butterflies this is how I am going to make my life better’ OH NO. Lists of things such as: Favourite Ways to watch Kim Kardashian Die: Favourite Insults, 10 people I would put on an iceburg tomorrow…ETC
My favourite thing to do when I cannot sleep is post pictures of Nicolas Cage EVERYWHERE.
Post the above picture on the bathroom mirror with ‘you look sexy, love Nicolas Cage’
Pancakes for Breakfast? Yes please, Love Nicolas Cage
Forever yours, love Nicolas Cage
lets have a great day, love Nicolas cage.
GO WILD WITH THE CAGE, THE MORE THE BETTER!
2013 already sucks,