This is the story of the day I decided ‘Oh what a great idea it would be to go to work drunk!’ I was drunk at the time the decision was made, but hey! Anyway this is what happened… I would like to point out I was only 24 at the time, and I don’t advise doing it unless you’re an alcoholic and already do it, or are a better drunk than me.
It was a time in my life where I worked in a book shop, it wasn’t one of those cool and trendy vintage hispter book shops, it was HELL ON EARTH. No honestly I had the boss from hell, the hours were shit, and they recommended books like ‘Twilight’. Now it was a saturday, and the night before I had been partying like a rock star. (Actually I think I got drunk in the local pub with a load of old men and my best friend because we thought it was funny) looking back it wasn’t funny it was just creepy.
I woke up, and felt great! I was still smashed, now instead of doing the right thing I decided to drink the bottle of wine that was on the side of my room. I would LOVE to tell you why I did this, but I honestly cannot. But I was having a hell of a time, dancing about, putting my make up on like a grade A drag queen, and quite frankly dressing rather inappropriately.
So off I skipped to work, and I skipped! Swigging the rest of the wine I had in a water bottle. Skipping and smiling and generally not walking or talking coherently. I have no recollection of getting to work, but I do have vague memories of TRYING to act a little sober. You know when you try, and it just makes things worse? this was me! Now I worked in the children section and do remember two things about that fateful day.
1. Finding this book:
SPOT THE MOTHERFUCKING DOG. In my drunkeness I actually said that. I was also shoving it in peoples faces, like CHECK THIS OUT ‘YO IT’S SPOT THE MOTHERFUCKING DOG.
THE MOTHERFUCKING VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR. Now I really threw myself into telling EVERYONE about this book. Now book shops tend to be a kind of quiet place, not that day. I was going WILD about this book. I seem to recall finding the fact he ate salami HILARIOUS. Not just a giggle, down right ROLL ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING (I actually did)
and then this happened, event 2:
I went to the toilet, and I passed out. I actually passed out in the toilet cubicle. About an hour later (yes a whole hour!) someone had come to find me. They found me alright, my drag queen make up was now more creepy clown, I was not feeling so hot, and I could smell the alcohol on me, seeping out.
Then my hell on earth boss asked me to come into her office, I knew what was coming promptly told her to fuck off, and skipped on out of there (actually I didn’t skip on out of there, I ran with shame!) However to celebrate being jobless I spent the afternoon in the pub getting drunk.
High Motherfucking Five