I feel bad for nice sharks because no matter how nice they are everyone screams and swims away scared shitless. Like maybe that shark just wanted to braid hair and talk about celebs.
It’s a bank holiday here in the UK, now I awoke to having to babysit my god daughter, still a bit drunk, and watching Hannah Montana. It occurred to me whilst watching the show (and indulging in my post event bottle of wine) that there really are Hannah Montana lyrics for every event in life! Here are just a FEW prime examples.
Best Of Both Worlds
For when you are living two separate lives one as a high class hooker, hooked on cocaine, and one as a stay at home mum.
Mix it all together
And you know that it’s the best of both
You know the best of both worlds
HoeDown ThrowDown lyrics
Throw It All Together, That’s How We Roll
Do The Hoedown (Throw down)
The Bone Dance lyrics
When you hook up with a guy, he gets hard, a boner etc, you gotta know how to work it (for how not to work it see Miley’s VMA13 performance)
We’re doing the bone dance
You study the answers
Again and again til I get it right
This Boy, That Girl lyrics
For when you have just come out of rehab and have started dating again.
Yeah I’m clean and it’s really nice to meet ya
1, 2, 3 could you smile for a picture
True Friend lyrics
For when you are going to go home with some really ugly/drunk/weird guy because you are wasted beyond control.
A true friend
You’re here till the end
You pull me aside
When something ain’t right
Talk with me now and into the night
Hey world, well what’s going down? Well here is what I have learnt today.
Unless you were one of the 361481 babies born today you will know who Justin Bieber is. Or as I like to call him Jbiebz. Well he is still being a fucking tool.
Apparently a member of one direction got engaged. Twitter is going MENTAL, the fans are doing the above, and I FUCKING LOVE IT.
Soup is SOUPER
In other news, I realised drinking wine out of a diet coke can makes you look less of a drunk, and more of an anorexic, and I also renamed my mother to ‘birth giver’ in my phone.
YO WEDNESDAY YOU WERE AWESOME.
This afternoon turned into one of those afternoons that involved wine, tacos and some more wine. Then in my euphoric wine state I remembered this:
‘Next time you’re washing your hands next to somebody cup your hands under the tap until the water overflows then look at them dramatically and say ‘this water is getting out of hand’. It’s a guaranteed way to make friends i have never tried it but it is guaranteed.’
I did not make friends, I got asked to leave as was ‘freaking out customers’
I did test this theory around 15 times? and I think my crazy eyes came out at around number 8?
Last night I got drunk, but before my boyfriend went out drinking I asked him to order me a pizza. A pizza that came with PINEAPPLE ON IT. So in my drunken stupor I left him a note saying the following.
You like putting pineapple on your pizza, well I do not. I hope you enjoy putting pineapples on your children’s graves because you’re WEAK. Your bloodline is WEAK, and you will not survive the winter.
He thinks I am a little more mental than he did before.
Icebergs are fucking BADASS no mother fucker messes with a mother fucking iceberg. Now before you say, say whhaaaattt ask anyone on the Titanic – these motherfuckers don’t mess around. Therefore here are my reasons why being an iceberg is better than being a human.
Icebergs don’t give a shit if you leave them, they don’t cry and eat ice cream, they just sit there being all amazing like ‘whatever ‘bro I’m a fucking iceberg’
Everybody loves icebergs, they are all ‘fuck yeah what an amazing spectacle’ ice cool just sits there all cool and shit.
Icebergs are sneaky fuckers, they look one size, and then POW they have a lot going on underneath.
Icebergs are friends with badass Polar bears. Seriously they love them, so do penguins and seals. Hanging with the cool crew there.
Do icebergs get crushes on guys? do they fall out with friends? Nah they spend their days chilling out, and floating around destroying shit. Icebergs for the win.
Time to find some ice(berg) for my whiskey.