If you’re anything like me then chances are you’ll spend Christmas Eve hopelessly drunk, arms flung around the shoulders of your friends while you slur your way through The Pogues’ “Fairytale of New York”. Now this is the one day of the year where you can reasonably act like an alcoholic. Forget downing that glass of water, get back on the horse dear friends! You will already be pretty tanked from the night before so just get drinking! You will feel so much better, and Christmas might be bearable.
Now when it comes to receiving presents you need to practice the Oh my god I really wanted this present. One year I was given a subscription to weight watchers and the points book. Was I offended? Yes, did I need to go? Probably. I was pretty wasted so just swung my arms around the relative I couldn’t remember the name of and thanked them. (I went a little OTT, which can be a giveaway,) so try to keep it easy, breezy.
Remember that all your relatives children are doing amazing, life changing things. Like curing cancer, ridding aids, having beautiful babies. This is not the time to argue about the fact you know your cancer curing cousin is really a whore you is knocked up by her ex boyfriend but current boyfriend thinks it is his. No, no, no. No. You might be a little tanked up on the champers but now is not the time (no matter how much you want an eastenders christmas) Just remember the golden rule, , generally speaking, families are mental. If you have a single member of your family that’s not bat shit crazy then you’re one of the lucky few.
On the topic of relatives, be thankful you don’t have to cook, if you do? Well you’re fucked. But whoever cooked, when your aunt refers to a trifle she made as her “World Famous ___” just eat it and say it’s good, don’t say, “Ugh. It’s fucking trifle. You’re not Jesus.” Just eat, and drink (make sure you have a hidden stash of alcohol somewhere – seriously. )
Lastly the only good thing about being in the UK at christmas is that someone is always ill. It could be you! Start feeling unwell on the 23rd – just a little bit, sniff here and there. Christmas eve, now your family might say ‘oh well if you’re not well don’t go out’ Go on about how you cannot let your friends down, it wouldn’t be fair, blah blah. Then the next day, BE SO ILL, have to stay in bed, watch border force (ok maybe it is just me) have hidden stash of alcohol ready, and voila! No having to spend christmas with the family. Although coming down, sniffling, really ill in your dressing gown is a good move for validity. It also means you don’t have to kiss all those dodgy relatives.
Final thought: Get drunk…no matter how bad your day turns out there is the hope that if you drink enough you won’t even remember it.
Happy Drinking Christmas!