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Jurassic Park will always be my favourite film. But I do find it slightly odd that in the film
everyone seems to get rather upset that the the dinosaurs start attacking people.
I mean I don’t mean to be funny, but you went to Island full of dinosaurs, and that is pretty
much standard dinosaur behaviour.

Food for thought.

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It occurred to me the other day I haven’t been on a date in timmmeeee.

I decided to think about my perfect date. I think this it.

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I really wanna go on a cute date where we go to an aquarium and 
get ice cream and hold hands and just enjoy each other’s company 
and and most importantly look at fish because they’re cool as fuck.

Hey world, well what’s going down? Well here is what I have learnt today.

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Unless you were one of the 361481 babies born today you will know who Justin Bieber is. Or as I like to call him Jbiebz. Well he is still being a fucking tool.

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Apparently a member of one direction got engaged. Twitter is going MENTAL, the fans are doing the above, and I FUCKING LOVE IT.

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Soup is SOUPER

In other news, I realised drinking wine out of a diet coke can makes you look less of a drunk, and more of an anorexic, and I also renamed my mother to ‘birth giver’ in my phone.

YO WEDNESDAY YOU WERE AWESOME.

This afternoon turned into one of those afternoons that involved wine, tacos and some more wine. Then in my euphoric wine state I remembered this:

‘Next time you’re washing your hands next to somebody cup your hands under the tap until the water overflows then look at them dramatically and say ‘this water is getting out of hand’. It’s a guaranteed way to make friends i have never tried it but it is guaranteed.’

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I did not make friends, I got asked to leave as was ‘freaking out customers’

I did test this theory around 15 times? and I think my crazy eyes came out at around  number 8?

Lesson Learned.

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ImageLast night I got drunk, but before my boyfriend went out drinking I asked him to order me a pizza. A pizza that came with PINEAPPLE ON IT. So in my drunken stupor I left him a note saying the following.

You like putting pineapple on your pizza, well I do not. I hope you enjoy putting pineapples on your children’s graves because you’re WEAK. Your bloodline is WEAK, and you will not survive the winter.

He thinks I am a little more mental than he did before.

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Icebergs are fucking BADASS no mother fucker messes with a mother fucking iceberg. Now before you say, say whhaaaattt ask anyone on the Titanic – these motherfuckers don’t mess around. Therefore here are my reasons why being an iceberg is better than being a human.

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Icebergs don’t give a shit if you leave them, they don’t cry and eat ice cream, they just sit there being all amazing like ‘whatever ‘bro I’m a fucking iceberg’

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Everybody loves icebergs, they are all ‘fuck yeah what an amazing spectacle’ ice cool just sits there all cool and shit.

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Icebergs are sneaky fuckers, they look one size, and then POW they have a lot going on underneath.

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Icebergs are friends with badass Polar bears. Seriously they love them, so do penguins and seals. Hanging with the cool crew there.

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Do icebergs get crushes on guys? do they fall out with friends? Nah they spend their days chilling out, and floating around destroying shit. Icebergs for the win.

Time to find some ice(berg) for my whiskey.

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A while ago (OK a couple of years, I went on holiday to Florida with my entire family.) Now you would think this would be a reason to get drunk (kinda did everyday) it was also the time I made friends with a cat, a VERY feral cat.

ImageNow I am a smoker, so every morning I would get up and go outside to the front door and have a fag. One morning this cat was hanging about, look a bit of the deranged side, and looking a big homeless. I kinda knew how it felt so went inside, grabbed a bit of ham and fed. It lapped that up!

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Now day two we didn’t have any ham so I resorted to feeding it crisps. It was loving that shit! So much so by the third day it was waiting for me. Suddenly me and feral cat were like BFF we would eat crisps for breakfast together, giving each other the off nod and then he would leave, and I would be exposed to some god awful family event.

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So one morning we got up really early, and got into the car I secretly left my BFF some crisps out, and just as we were leaving my uncle goes ‘OMG a fucking raccoon, the neighbourhood has been trying to get rid of this one for good, damn rabies riddled beast! I kind of sat there looking at my bff, thinking oh.

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After that I smoked in the back garden, my poor BFF left out in the cold from out crisp eating parties. But man, rabies would suck more than life already does. I still think about my furball friend sometimes though, wondering where they are now.

From your friend always,

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