Last night I got drunk, but before my boyfriend went out drinking I asked him to order me a pizza. A pizza that came with PINEAPPLE ON IT. So in my drunken stupor I left him a note saying the following.
You like putting pineapple on your pizza, well I do not. I hope you enjoy putting pineapples on your children’s graves because you’re WEAK. Your bloodline is WEAK, and you will not survive the winter.
He thinks I am a little more mental than he did before.
I don’t know who the fuck you are, but you look around 37 and 6 months. TAKE THOSE FUCKING EARS OFF. I really hope you were high on smack and coke and drunk beyond belief when you agreed to this photo, you weird creature.
No really, STOP IT, STAHHPPP IT.
P.S I am still drunk from the night before.
PPS Anyway know who that is? is that you?
PPPS Because if it is, please just STAHHPPPPP (no really, also that pose is not attractive)
Can you contain your excitement? There are just a few more hours to get through and then, whoopee, it’s the big one: New Year’s Eve. The blow-out to end all blow-outs. Fun with a capital F. The party of parties.
Excuse me, if you will, but I’ll pass. I hate New Year’s Eve, you see. I don’t just dislike it; I hate it. If New Year’s Eve was a person, I’d hate it as much as I hate Kim Kardashian and an ex friend, my two hate-figures. In fact, I’d hate it even more than I hate them. (That’s, seven ‘hates’ in this paragraph so far. I hope you are getting an inkling as to just how much I hate it – and that’s now eight.)
Who actually enjoys it?. Maybe it’s not the thousands who turn up at Trafalgar Square to attempt to recreate the Hillsborough Stadium crush, only this time with added booze. Maybe it isn’t even people who go out on 31 December to parties full of people they barely know, get plastered, grab the nearest person for a snog, throw up, dance, throw up again, and then discover that they’re miles from home and there’s no transport.
Honestly, it’s a waste of time. So excuse me whilst I eat chinese, get drunk alone, pass out by 10pm, and wake up on the 1st with more money than the idiots who spent it out.
Good Riddance 2012 – you were shit.