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I just accidentally prematurely sent an email to an accounting firm… It was supposed to say ‘I am afraid that we will have to postpone our meeting”

but I hit send when all it said was:

Hi Jeffrey,
I am afraid

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I am not even exaggerating this story of how a video game nearly killed me – killed me!!(and no it wasn’t some war game that made me go crazy, and make me think I was in a war and ran riot and got shot, nor did I play Grand theft Auto in real life and run random people over (oh come on we all do it, does anyone actually know the plot line of that game?!) and been put on death row.

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Now I am talking about a game available to CHILDREN, CHILDREN people, forget all the horror in the news, this is what needs to stopped. But before I can bring you to the day that I nearly saw the white light, I have to start from the beginning.

It all started around 2007 when I was doing a lot of traveling via the power of planes, and I am someone who gets bored on planes very quickly. I don’t like watching the films (I can barely get through a film at the cinema) I get bored reading, I cannot sleep, the list goes on. So I decided to invest in a DS they were lightweight, hey it was a gameboy right? WRONG.

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These weren’t games, this was not the same platform I was used to (Megadrive for the win) this was HARDCORE I didn’t get the 3d graphics, I was dead within 2 seconds of starting, and it was stressing me the hell out. Little kids would laugh at me on the tube, aeroplanes, everything (I see you little kids).

Then someone mentioned a game called ‘Animal Crossing’ so after doing a bit of research I realised this was the game for me. For people who are not familiar with Animal crossing basically you create your own village, or town, there is a shop, some trees, you can fish, grow stuff, buy stuff, and build your house to be bigger and better. But the best bit? Well it runs on real time – like they have Christmas and everything, and other animals live in your town, and talk to you. IT WAS AWESOME.

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I am getting nostalgic even thinking about it, I would save up money and buy the best stationary so I could send my neighbours cute letters (they would always write back!) you can have chats with them, buy furniture – it was awesome on an level of 10 of awesomeness. However sometimes the residents of your town would want to leave, and this WAS NOT happening in my town, my town ‘lovely’ was too amazing for people to want to leave it. If you talked to them enough they would stay so I would do this, it was also a good idea to make a date with them to meet them for ‘tea’. You would basically go around to their house and they would chat to you, then you would leave but they would stay in your town.

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So this is where my dear death experience begins. I had this duck in my town whose name I cannot remember, however I loved this duck! Therefore when he said he was leaving town I was heartbroken (I was actually really annoyed, I had done so much for this pesky duck!) I had talked the talk, thought he was going to stay, popped over the next day and he had all his shit packed up! This duck was NOT going to leave. So I spoke to him again and again and eventually he agreed that I could come over for ‘tea’ that afternoon. (I would like to add that obsession had gotton me up half an hour earlier than I needed for work due to needing to sort shit out, like this duck)

I got up, went to work, and off I went doing my job (a professional job I might add) But that day one thing led to another and suddenly I was running an hour late. I actually wasn’t thinking about the duck meeting I had scheduled, but then suddenly somewhere between bromsgrove and birmingham on the M5 it dawned on me it was 2 minutes past 2pm and I was meant to be at the ducks house at 2pm! HE WAS SURE TO LEAVE NOW!

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So there I was on the MOTORWAY attempting to turn on my DS to go and meet this fucking Duck so he wouldn’t leave my town. This is possibly one of the most idiotic things I have ever done, especially since I was going to have to walk my character to said ducks house and have a conversation, ALL WHILST DRIVING ON THE MOTORWAY. Then just as the music was coming on a lorry veered in front of me, I honestly thought I was going to die. It was my own fault, it was that bastard ducks fault – he could sure as hell leave now he had nearly killed me. There must have been inches between me and lorry who honked at me very loudly. I thought I was having a panic attack so promptly drove into the hard shoulder to calm the fuck down.

I look briefly at my DS (why?!) and that stupid duck had sent me a letter saying since I hadn’t made it he had nothing left to stay for and had left – I decided to write back (YES I WROTE TO A FITCTUAL DUCK THAT NEARLY KILLED ME) and told him of my story. I then turned the DS off and threw it in the back and lit a cigarette, and then as my car was still running I kid you not highway to hell came on the radio (it was like it was final destination 2) and that was it for me, I was sobbing whilst trying to smoke a cigarette all because of that stupid duck.

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Now I clearly hadn’t realised how much time had passed, as before I knew it the highways 4×4 was behind me. What was I going to say was the reason I was on the hard shoulder? I had a break down because a duck was going to move out of my imaginary town? I had nearly been killed because I was trying to get the duck to stay? In the end he told me off for smoking, and I said sorry I had, had a near miss and was planning on continuing shortly.

Which I did, I can safely also say I have never told anyone this story before, nor have I turned my DS on since, think my mum might have actually given it away.

I do however look at ducks with disdain when I see them.

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This is the story of the day I decided ‘Oh what a great idea it would be to go to work drunk!’ I was drunk at the time the decision was made, but hey! Anyway this is what happened… I would like to point out I was only 24 at the time, and I don’t advise doing it unless you’re an alcoholic and already do it, or are a better drunk than me.

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It was a time in my life where I worked in a book shop, it wasn’t one of those cool and trendy vintage hispter book shops, it was HELL ON EARTH. No honestly I had the boss from hell, the hours were shit, and they recommended books like ‘Twilight’. Now it was a saturday, and the night before I had been partying like a rock star. (Actually I think I got drunk in the local pub with a load of old men and my best friend because we thought it was funny) looking back it wasn’t funny it was just creepy.

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I woke up, and felt great! I was still smashed, now instead of doing the right thing I decided to drink the bottle of wine that was on the side of my room. I would LOVE to tell you why I did this, but I honestly cannot. But I was having a hell of a time, dancing about, putting my make up on like a grade A drag queen, and quite frankly dressing rather inappropriately.

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So off I skipped to work, and I skipped! Swigging the rest of the wine I had in a water bottle. Skipping and smiling and generally not walking or talking coherently. I have no recollection of getting to work, but I do have vague memories of TRYING to act a little sober. You know when you try, and it just makes things worse? this was me! Now I worked in the children section and do remember two things about that fateful day.

1. Finding this book:

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SPOT  THE MOTHERFUCKING DOG. In my drunkeness I actually said that. I was also shoving it in peoples faces, like CHECK THIS OUT ‘YO IT’S SPOT THE MOTHERFUCKING DOG.

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THE MOTHERFUCKING VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR. Now I really threw myself into telling EVERYONE about this book. Now book shops tend to be a kind of quiet place, not that day. I was going WILD about this book. I seem to recall finding the fact he ate salami HILARIOUS. Not just a giggle, down right ROLL ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING (I actually did)

and then this happened, event 2:

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I went to the toilet, and I passed out. I actually passed out in the toilet cubicle. About an hour later (yes a whole hour!) someone had come to find me. They found me alright, my drag queen make up was now more creepy clown, I was not feeling so hot, and I could smell the alcohol on me, seeping out.

Then my hell on earth boss asked me to come into her office, I knew what was coming promptly told her to fuck off, and skipped on out of there (actually I didn’t skip on out of there, I ran with shame!) However to celebrate being jobless I spent the afternoon in the pub getting drunk.

High Motherfucking Five

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