Sometimes I think about my funeral, and I think to myself did I lead a respectful life? No. So why would I have a respectful funeral. So when I die, my ashes are going to be mixed with glitter, and then they are going to be exploded out of my coffin like a firework display. Whilst I and the glitter rain down on my guests, THX 4 THE MMRS by Fall out Boy shall play loudly.
I don’t know who the fuck you are, but you look around 37 and 6 months. TAKE THOSE FUCKING EARS OFF. I really hope you were high on smack and coke and drunk beyond belief when you agreed to this photo, you weird creature.
No really, STOP IT, STAHHPPP IT.
P.S I am still drunk from the night before.
PPS Anyway know who that is? is that you?
PPPS Because if it is, please just STAHHPPPPP (no really, also that pose is not attractive)
I always go on and on about how I have insomnia, I don’t have insomnia, I just don’t seem to sleep at night. So I decided to compile a list of things I do when I cannot sleep.
You can of course do these things in the day, or when you can sleep. However they are much more fun when you cannot, don’t ask me why! they just are.
One of my favourite things to do is watch when Justin Bieber retweets or tweets his fans. It is HILARIOUS they actually go mental, like properly MENTAL. Like put me in a straight jacket and call me Shirley mental. I have been known to spend too much time looking at their comments once he retweets them. I am 28.
I am a creep, a full on facebook/twitter/whateverelse CREEP. I love stalking my ex boyfriends, ex friends, laughing at their shitty lives, watching them get fat. Honestly if people say they don’t do this? THEY LIE. Oh when people are stupid enough to not put their facebook on private, PEOPLE COME ON! (better for me, but really) I just love it. There is something about stalking at night though, like they cannot see me! bahahaha
I remember when I was in love with a guy called Ritche from a band called 5ive. He started going out with Billie Piper and I wanted to die. So when you need some insomnia lols just check #haylor on twitter or tumblr. Haylor is Harry Styles and Taylor Swift – so many lols, so many oh dear god, but most of all so many lols. I am 28, I find this shit entertaining. Sue me.
Failsafe option for anything, cannot sleep? get drunk. Why not.
Lists are awesome. But no ‘oh rainbows and fucking butterflies this is how I am going to make my life better’ OH NO. Lists of things such as: Favourite Ways to watch Kim Kardashian Die: Favourite Insults, 10 people I would put on an iceburg tomorrow…ETC
My favourite thing to do when I cannot sleep is post pictures of Nicolas Cage EVERYWHERE.
Post the above picture on the bathroom mirror with ‘you look sexy, love Nicolas Cage’
Pancakes for Breakfast? Yes please, Love Nicolas Cage
Forever yours, love Nicolas Cage
lets have a great day, love Nicolas cage.
GO WILD WITH THE CAGE, THE MORE THE BETTER!
2013 already sucks,
Can you contain your excitement? There are just a few more hours to get through and then, whoopee, it’s the big one: New Year’s Eve. The blow-out to end all blow-outs. Fun with a capital F. The party of parties.
Excuse me, if you will, but I’ll pass. I hate New Year’s Eve, you see. I don’t just dislike it; I hate it. If New Year’s Eve was a person, I’d hate it as much as I hate Kim Kardashian and an ex friend, my two hate-figures. In fact, I’d hate it even more than I hate them. (That’s, seven ‘hates’ in this paragraph so far. I hope you are getting an inkling as to just how much I hate it – and that’s now eight.)
Who actually enjoys it?. Maybe it’s not the thousands who turn up at Trafalgar Square to attempt to recreate the Hillsborough Stadium crush, only this time with added booze. Maybe it isn’t even people who go out on 31 December to parties full of people they barely know, get plastered, grab the nearest person for a snog, throw up, dance, throw up again, and then discover that they’re miles from home and there’s no transport.
Honestly, it’s a waste of time. So excuse me whilst I eat chinese, get drunk alone, pass out by 10pm, and wake up on the 1st with more money than the idiots who spent it out.
Good Riddance 2012 – you were shit.
So not so many moons ago I moved back home with my parents as was starting my own business, and it made financial sense (not sane sense I might add) to move home. I was looking online for inspiration and my friends little sister (this should have been the warning sign) said ‘oh have you tried tumblr, it’s awesome and people post all sorts’. Tumblr? What was this area of the internet I have not accessed? (and trust me I had accessed a lot of the internet, some of it I wish I could forget)
So there I was, going on tumblr.com for the first time and it was AMAZING, like AMAZING. So easy to use, told me who to follow, then I followed stuff that they re-blogged and it was inspiring and fun! I was getting so inspired I started saving photos (photos I am now a little embarrassed of), I had hundreds of them:
I felt that these were MY people (granted I was going through a break up, career change, was back at home) but they got me! I would sit there nodding going ‘YES!’ at posts before right click saving them. I would spend HOURS on tumblr, it almost became an obsession. There were even these posts that said things like ‘people in real life don’t get us’ and I would laugh and agree, how I would laugh.
Then there were the Meme’s everything from Socially Awkward Penguin to Courage Wolf (and this is the very tip of the crazy meme iceberg) I would try and show my real life friends these hilarious pictures I had found on the internet (tell them about my amazing secret world? I think not!)
But did they get them? Did they hell. They just kind of looked at me with disdain and said ‘I don’t get it’ How can you not get it I told them (whilst literally trying not to laugh as I showed them) but alas they did not. Did this stop me? HELL NO it made me go on tumblr and explain to ‘my people’ of tumblr that my in real life friends didn’t get the memes. (Please take not I was 26, and this was a saturday night) and they totally got my pain! It wasn’t me! It was the anti tumblr crowd! I went to bed (finally after endless scrolling, laughing to myself, giving nods of understanding and general tumblrness) satisfied that it wasn’t me! I mean who needed real life friends? I had tumblr! And 3000 people wanted to follow me, I had the power!
One day my parents were really driving me up the wall, I cannot even remember what it was about, but I decided to write a quick tumblr post about it, and it got several likes, reposts and a few messages. One message that stood out was from a girl who seemed to be going through the same thing as me, we chatted over the message system, and eventually she asked if I had a facebook (this wasn’t some kind of chatting up thing, they were MY PEOPLE!) I explained that I didn’t use facebook (more on that later) but did say she could email me. (I wasn’t into twitter or anything at this point)
So when I hadn’t heard back from her for a few days I didn’t really think anything of it. Then I got an email from tumblr saying my profile had been flagged for being inappropriate? For what? Liking the courage wolf too much? Drunken puppy? Then I got an email from my ‘friend’ lets call her Sarah. But it wasn’t Sarah it was her mother, telling me Sarah was 11, and that she found it ‘strange’ that a 26 year old had befriended her (she had apparently been given information from tumblr – the traitors!) and thought it was strange, and that she and her family were not sure who I said I was and were worried I was grooming her. I sat there in horror and was upset (not sure if I was more upset about the fact I had basically been called a paedophile or my perfect tumblr world was ruined, over.
Suddenly I saw tumblr in a new light, when I scrolled down most of the posts about tumblr being amazing and better than in real life, were about being away from school. I hadn’t been in a classroom for 10 years. What was wrong with me? Was I having a nervous breakdown? I promptly deleted my tumblr account, rang my friends and got drunk with them in the real world.
I do still use tumblr for work purposes (and that only) but have to say every-time I see that socially awkward penguin I shudder slightly.